Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I know you always wondered how preceptors graded you on the rotations. And you always wondered why your grade was less than what you thought it should be for the work and energy and time that you put in. Now as an attending I understand - those that clearly like the rotation, get jazzed about it, do the work in a way that you can trust them and not have to repeat the work, or just do it themselves to get it done right - those are the med students that do well during rotations. BUT SO WHAT!! you did everything you needed to do, studied the way you needed to to pass, slugged out a horrible internship year which made you question going into medicine at all. Then you saw the anesthesia light at the end of the tunnel and you're life only continues to get better from there. You chose the ABSOLUTE right profession. Yes, if someone said I could not continue to practice unless I go through med school again - I NEVER would do it. But now being at the other end, I'd NEVER give it up! My advice? If you've started - get through it and enjoy as much as you can without killing yourself... the results are worth it. If you haven't started DON'T unless you're ABSOLUTELY SURE!! And of all the people in my med school class, those that came with kids, those that had them during med school, residency etc, and those that went straight through - we are ALL satisfied about where we ended up!!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Okay, I'll just come right out and say it: I was T-boned by a bus on Tuesday and have a type III odontoid fracture. I am now in a neck brace for 6 months but lucky to be alive and not paralyzed. I cannot even begin to explain all the thoughts and emotions that one goes through - from the coldly rational (wow, this is what it's like on a backboard, in a collar, in MRI) to the wildly emotional (DAMN DAMN DAMN, there goes the concert I was going to give, there goes the clinical study that was going to make JAMA, there goes the dressage show I'm ready for, and there goes vacation with the kids in the Carribean). But the one thing that is the MOST heartbreaking: not being able to scoop my kids up into a big bear hug.
Trying to be the optimist I'm struggling with what to do with months of non-physicality. Go ahead I think, perfect that Spanish, read all the library books, type up my diaries, catch up on all the movies - but somehow it pales in comparison to the dreams I was already embarking upon and achieving. And although I'll be home (always), I'll see the kids less because I won't be taking them to piano and swim and school and birthday parties like I usually do. But it's early yet - perhaps as a result, the kids and I will have more bonding time with the hubbie and our nuclear and extended family as well as friends may become closer still.
The weirdest thing is (harkening back to psych) that my schema of myself is slow to change. I keep having to remind myself that IF I move my neck the wrong way, or trip and fall, it could be disastrous. But it still doesn't seem real until in moments of sobbing I realize it is. Now excuse me while I go cry.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Okay, I think I finally figured it out. Last year I remember talking to a colleague who told me he exercised at 4 in the morning before work. I looked at him like he was crazy. Turns out he wasn't so crazy after all. I discovered if it's something you love to do (dressage horseback riding) AND you don't want to take time away from the kids and the husband, it's a PERFECT time to do it. Not only that but you get there quicker since there's no traffic - and no one is there so you get the whole place to yourself!! It has completely eliminated the guilt I felt when I rode post call because I was either missing picking the kids up from school, or missing eating lunch with my hubbie. Not only that, the post call days weren't even that predictable and progress with riding was haphazard. This way it's 4 days a week guaranteed (Thursday is staff conference at 6:20). PLUS there's the extra added benefit that I come to work completely happy and relaxed, so no matter how bad the day goes I just remember my ride in the morning and I automatically get that meditative wash of "yah, but I got to RIDE this morning!"
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I think one of the most amazing things in medicine is having the privilege of seeing ALL of kids' bodies - all of it - inside and outside. I'm always amazed at their little tiny livers, kidneys, wormy moving intestines, beating hearts, and my favorite - those always expanding lungs. So when I go home and I watch my kids play, or snuggle with them I often just look at them in awe and imagine their insides too and how it all incredibly fits together, continues to grow and works! When they're tired or snugly and not running around like madmen, I hold their rib cages in my hands and feel their breathing and beating hearts, and I trace out their internal organs with my fingers for them (of course they like to concentrate on the food in and poop out part). If I think too long on it I almost always feel like squeezing them, crying and thanking the universe that they are healthy and whole and ALIVE.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Okay, you guys are all so FUNNY!! I am not. I'm a very serious but very very very happy momdoc. I just wish I could split myself in 7. One for each of two kids, one for hubby, one for violin, one for dressage horseback riding, one for work, and one for friends. Well, and maybe one for fun. Then I could be doc oc!! Instead I intensely devote each waking moment to dividing up what little time there is in a day. The trick I found is being in the moment. When at work enjoy work and forget about home and kids. When with family, forget about work and revel in the family. And the violin and riding - well you have to concentrate only on that to do it - it's my meditation, release, and my source of renewable energy and happiness. The problem I have is how to shift the time - and how to deal with that overriding sense of guilt that the others are not getting enough. So, I tell myself (and it's true), that if I gave up any one of these things I wouldn't be so happy and able to deal with the every day frustrations and problems. But there are ever looming questions: do I take more time to write papers and go for the promotion? Do I forget the promotion and watch everyone else get it but know that I have more time for the other 7 things? Do I do less riding (my only exercise) and spend more time with family but be a lot grumpier? Do I play less violin to have more hubby time and cut myself off from my only social network? I feel like I'm very happy where I'm at right now, but need to decide from here to continue as is, or shift time one way or the 7 others...