Showing posts with label DoctorMommy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DoctorMommy. Show all posts

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Thankful for my American Dream

Isn't it crazy how verbalizing something so simple can be so challenging?  It took me almost a week to figure out how I would write this post... Yet every day, I feel so thankful for all that I have in this life!

When I was a little girl, my family didn't have a lot of money.  We always had food on the table, but I never had the clothes, toys or snacks I wanted.  I dreamed of a day when I could go to the supermarket and pick out whatever suits my mood and just buy it.

The day is now here, and I am living the dream.  If you read over my previous posts, you can see I struggle everyday with some aspects of my life that I'm not thrilled about.  But that in no way shapes what the overall theme is of my life:  I made it, and I'm living the American dream.  Of having a one-in-a-billion amazing husband.  Of having a daughter so sweet and smart.  Of having a positive outlook on life (mostly.)  Of having our health, and not least importantly our mental health.  Of just being happy overall.  Of not counting pennies.  Of buying my daughter the toys I want for her (and the toys she wants).  Of having a new car (seriously, sometimes I drive in my new-ish car, about 3 years old, and I marvel at how I grew up to buy myself a new car!).  Of just living this life the way I envisioned more than 20 years ago.  I may not have the dream job (right now), or a dream house quite yet, but I have a dream life, and for that I am thankful every minute of every day.

In the first Sex and the City movie, Charlotte becomes pregnant and says to Carrie, "Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you. Look at Miranda. You're good people and you two both got shafted. I'm so happy and...something bad is going to happen."  Sometimes I worry about being so overjoyed at all that I have.  But then I remember, it's not that bad things haven't happened to me recently, or that everything has just been perfect.  It's that I still have what I need to make me happy... and eternally thankful, for the health that's been given to me and my loved ones, for the ability to work hard, and for the mental prowess I possess to persevere, and look beyond the losses and negatives that come my way.

A very happy Thanksgiving to all!

Thursday, September 3, 2015

When is enough, enough?

Much of the past few years, I have regretted decisions I've made... The decision to stay in medical school, the decision to... Well, mostly that.  I knew about a week into medical school it wasn't for me.  I looked into PA school, and transferring to dental school, but was too afraid to make any moves.  So I kept on with the flow, and eight years later I am a fellow.  I have thought about the decision not to quit many times, and have wished I could go back and shake myself and do what I was so afraid of doing:  disappoint my parents, not become a doctor, do something different, not become a doctor, disappoint my parents.  I was young and living alone and terrified, and if my parents were more supportive I maybe would have quit, but that's no excuse and I have absolutely no doubt that I definitely should have, because here I am on a random weekend night, still regretting my decision not to take action then.

What makes me really think about this again, you ask?  No, I don't drive myself crazy on a daily basis; but as I mentioned, I'm now in fellowship and I don't like it.  The field isn't what I thought, the program isn't what I thought, and really, I just don't need it!  Since I've matched and committed to the year, I'm willing to complete the year (to be a responsible adult, but really so on my resume I don't have to say I quit fellowship after two months).  But I don't want to stay for next year (it's a two year fellowship.)  My husband supports me no matter what I decide, but he says, "But it's only one more year!  Then you can be board certified in another field and be even more marketable!" True, true.

My big hesitation again with quitting after this year is:  I'm still afraid to disappoint my parents.  And boy will they be disappointed if I end up practicing just psychiatry.  Eight years later, and that young, scared girl hasn't grown up much.

I wish I could have quit then, and I want to quit now.  When is enough regrets, enough?  When can I just make decisions for me, and not for others?  When can I do what I want?  When can I just be happy with my job?

Disclaimer:  This post is not meant to discourage anyone looking to go into medicine.  Just like some people like chocolate and some vanilla, everyone's desires are different.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Where is the grass greener now?

An anecdote to describe my life:
I found a new work bag that I wanted, told my husband about it, he went out and got it for me in the color that I wanted, and I changed my mind the next day.  Returned that bag, bought a different shaped one (same company) in a different color, was finally settled with my decision, then decided I wanted the first one after all.  The grass is always greener on the other side right?

How does it relate to my more important mother/wife/doctor life?
I know a mother, whose life I so desperately want, but so do not want at all.  She is not a physician, she is a stay at home mother.  Since the birth of her first-born, and she has been for many years.

She has a lot of help, a housekeeper, a couple of babysitters.  Her kids go to school full time.  I so don't want to ask the awful and judgmental question 'What do you do all day?' But I wonder.

She leads the life that us working, 24-hour-call-taking mothers dream of.  But I saw her in her own zone recently.  Angry and yelling at her kids.  Frustrated with them, frustrated with her husband, frustrated with herself.  And I thought, "Wow, I hope I don't become like that!"

For once the grass was greener on my side.  But it didn't stay that way for long.  Maybe I should spend more time with her...

The grass didn't stay greener because soon after, I went to a playground with my baby after work.  It was an unusual thing for me to do after work, but I did it.  There was a mother there swinging her daughter next to me and SHE struck up a conversation with ME.  We talked for a while and I found her pretty likable, her daugher was my baby's age, and she was a stay at home mom, and I was even thinking that this would be a perfect opportunity to make a new friend with a baby that is my Doll's age in the area since I really don't know any moms.  I wanted to ask her if she wanted to do something like a playdate (which I have never done, because I don't know anyone around here and because I don't have time) and the entire time, I was replaying Fizzy's old post about playdates in my mind.  The post said that the stay at home mothers do playdates only during the week, because weekends are "family time."

To make a long story short, a friend of this woman came up to us and said, "Wow you guys are chatting away!" and this woman responded with, "Hey, she's firing out the questions left and right, it's not me!"  It seems the psychiatrist in me had reared it's ugly head...

I had not felt like I was asking a lot of questions, and if I was doing that, it was because I was so excited about meeting someone new.  I felt like she had asked a good number of questions herself.  But perhaps the conversation was more one-sided than I imaged.  I went home that day without a playdate and feeling awful about myself as a mother and as a person.  Was I really shooting out questions like I am so used to doing at work?  Am I really not able to put work behind me when I'm home?  Was her facial expression when I said I was a psychiatrist only in my head?

The mother I spoke of earlier in this post has playdates all the time (or at least had them when the kids were younger.)  She has other mother friends.  She used to go to the playground during the day in the middle of the week.

 I have always wanted to be an involved mother who provides a healthy and social environment for her children outside of daycare, and I just haven't been able to do that.

So... the grass is greener on the other side.  It is true.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


I have a few.  One major, a few minor.  I keep reminding myself that I am the kind of person for who the grass is always green on the other side.  So, even had I made other decisions, I would probably have regrets.  Not definitely, but probably.

How do you all deal with your regrets?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Whose loss is it anyway?

I recently attended a bachelorette party.  A few of the other ladies were moms, but I was the only physician mom.  One of the other moms struck up a conversation with me about our children.  We exchanged pictures, told stories, laughed.  Then she asked me who watches my baby when I'm at work, and I told her my mother and mother-in-law do.  She proceeded to comment, rather rudely I might add, about how I was missing everything in my daughter's life, and I was missing her growing up.  She even said, "It's hard for the baby without her mommy."   I replied, "I made  my bed, now I have to lie in it," and promptly ended the conversation, as I did not feel like being lectured by a complete stranger about my working status.

When I got home, I was infuriated.  How dare she say that to someone she just met!  Then I got mad at myself for answering the way I did. Yes I did make my bed, but it's not an awfully uncomfortable one, and I like it... most of the time.

Furthermore, I was upset that she said this was hard on my Doll.  You see, I don't think it really is, or at least I really hope it's not.  My Doll is taken care of by her loving, adoring grandmothers who would do anything for her.  They're both kind, sweet, and patient with her.  They feed her, change her, play with her, and bathe her just as I would.

I feel that the loss is all mine-- I do miss my baby growing up.  I wish I could witness every moment of it.  But for many reasons, I work.  And my hope is that in the future, my baby does not hold it against me that her grandmothers took care of her when she was little; I hope she appreciates having a hard working, self sufficient mommy, who can help to provide her with a more comfortable life then she otherwise would have.  I hope she will always see it as a positive, never a negative.  And finally, my greatest hope is that I am the only one who feels the pain of being away from her.  I can't know for sure how she feels, but I hope she is just as happy being with her grandmas as she would have been with me.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Introducing myself...

Hello MiM community!

I am so pleased to  be joining you!  A little bit about me... (as stolen from my bio...)

I am a psychiatry resident.  I am very happily married to Hubby, who is also a resident, and I have a sweet and loving daughter, my little Doll, who made her grand entrance in the summer of 2013.  I like to read, write, and google useless things throughout the day.  Some of my goals include reading more psychiatry and less on google, exercising, eating more vegetables and less chocolate, starting to write a novel, and being the best mother/wife/doctor I can be.

I've been reading MiM for years.  It started when I was googling "lifestyle of an ob/gyn" and along came a list of entries written by various MiMers about a day in the life in their field.  I've been hooked ever since!

Anyways, just wanted to say hello!