Howdy wonderful MIM community!
I am excited to have joined MIM as a regular contributor this year! I’m TXgal, a name fitting not only because I am from the great state of Texas, but also because I have been trying to escape it for years. One thing or another has kept me here: being close to family, landing an awesome job after graduation, the low cost of living, having babies, and now it’s the ridiculously low medical school tuition when compared to other states. Jealous yet? You don’t have to be, it is freaking hot. But I am starting to accept that this is home, and even loving it!
I am 29, and in 6 months I will be 30. This never bothered me until last month when I looked in the mirror and I saw wrinkles. I won't go into how much grey hair I have. I always thought I would age with grace and acceptance, but right now I am longing to be 25, rocking my pre-baby body. I am also starting medical school in 2 months, which I imagine will only accelerate the aging process. (Especially frown lines). Both of these things have got me in hammer mode. Last 2 months of freedom before starting the rigorous path of medicine, and last two months of freedom in my 20's. I have got to get the best body of my life, meditate, read, write, start my blog, finish projects around the house, learn Spanish, do all the hobbies I won't be able to do once school starts, stop wasting time on Facebook, teach my kids to swim, potty train etc. etc. etc.
But I am also beyond excited to start medical school. I am a non-traditional student with a background in nursing. I landed my dream job right out of nursing school at a Level I trauma ER. The first day of my new job the charge nurse gave me some advice. I didn't listen to her. She said don't date ANYONE here. Not the doctors, not the cops, not the paramedics, or firemen. Especially not the doctors. Perhaps I should have listened. But I fell for a resident, and after a year of dating I got pregnant with my son. Thanks Plan B. What a little darling he is. Into my life he came, and out went all my plans. Like many other premed students, I am a control freak. I like order. I like plans. No, I NEED plans to function. I was going to do a year of travel nursing, and spend a year abroad working for MSF, and then go to medical school, and somewhere far down the road, far, far, FAR down the road I would start a family. I quit my job as a nurse and stayed home with my son while completing my pre-med courses. This was a difficult time for me. It was lonely, and isolating. The entire time my head was spinning with thoughts like "how will I be a good doctor AND a good mom?" "How will I go to med school with a baby?" "When should I go? When he is 2 or 10?" "How will I ever work for MSF?" "Maybe I could just be a stay-at-home mom, or a nurse, or a teacher, or a wildlife photographer, or a stripper." The thoughts literally and metaphorically made me dizzy. (This is when I discovered this LIFE SAVING blog)
I have learned a lot since then. I learned that I am not a stay-at-home mom. I learned to let go of control over my kids. That they are OK, and even thrive at their daycare. They are OK with a sitter, and they are OK at grandma’s. They LOVE grandma. I learned to find balance in school/family life. Yes the load in premed isn't anything like med school, but I learned some tricks. Like don't even attempt to study around the kids unless you want scribbles all over your books. And, don't expect to take a 7 hour timed practice MCAT test and score well with a newborn in lap, so GET A SITTER! Also-DON'T. LAY. DOWN. You WILL fall asleep. Oh, 15 months after my son was born, my daughter came along. Another unplanned little darling.
I am also grateful. I originally got accepted into a program 800 miles away. BD (baby daddy) would have had to stay in our current city for work, and I would be leaving two sets of wonderful grandparents. 2 weeks before our moving van was scheduled to whisk me away with 2 toddlers to start med school alone in a new city, I got an acceptance to a school close to home at an institution known for its (relatively) laid back atmosphere, and relaxed schedule. I am so grateful for this. I am grateful I have so much support from BD, my parents, and BD's family. Grateful to my 26 year old self who continued to complete premed classes despite being so uncertain, who started studying for the MCAT with a 2 weeks old (and eventually got a sitter). Grateful for my kids' teachers, and babysitters that fill their day with joy.
So now as I move closer to med school, I am no longer dizzy with thoughts of uncertainty. I know it'll be crazy, and stressful, and hard. But I know I cannot see myself doing anything else. (Even if sometimes I wish I could). I know at times I will miss my kids, but they are surrounded by friends and family that love and care for them as much as I do. And the obsessing over the wrinkles? I know it’s a phase. They are beautiful just like my grey hairs. Who would really want to be 20 again anyway?
The Shorter version:
TXgal is an about to be 30 year old, nontraditional, incoming MS1 with two toddlers (born 2014 and 2015) and a nontraditional life living with her supportive BD (baby daddy). She has spent the past three years pregnant, or breastfeeding while completing her pre-med classes, and MCAT. After years of uncertainty, she is happy to start medical school knowing there is nothing else she can see herself doing, (well maybe a photographer for NatGeo, but that’ll come later) She is forever newly discovering how she identifies as a mom, individual, almost 30 year old, and soon to be medical student, and looks forward to blogging about the joys, struggle, stress, and victories in finding this balance. She also has a gazillion hobbies, and likes that include: gardening, yoga, reading, coffee, rock climbing, running, traveling, hiking, visiting National Parks, photography, healthy eating, Latin dancing, planning her life, re-planning her life after plans fail, family vacations, studying, and watching NatGeo with toddlers, cheering for the prey when they get away.