My youngest is starting kindergarten in the fall. And I kinda sorta want to have a third child.
I currently have two girls, who are absolutely wonderful. They consume a lot of my free time, I can take them to activities outside and they will behave, and I have just enough free time available for other activities that I enjoy. Everything is finally settling down a little bit, I get to sleep through the night most nights, and I'm reconnecting with my husband after some difficult times when the girls were little.
Still. I kinda sorta want to have a third child.
My brain knows that I shouldn't. I've got a laundry list of reasons why:
--my youngest daughter is incredibly attached to me and would undoubtedly be extremely jealous of any time I had to spend with a baby.
--my family has a really strong history of autistic boys. I got lucky with two normal girls, but now that I'm older, the risks are even higher of problems
--I love getting to sleep through the night.
--I have a lot of musculoskeletal issues caused by lifting my younger daughter, which would make a baby challenging
--I am finally getting back to trying to expand my career, and I don't want to give that up
--I like having free time to myself again
--my girls are still quite young, still very cute, and still need me a lot. And they absolutely do not want me to have another child.
--my husband does not like babies. He hates every aspect of caring for babies. He gets incredibly grumpy when he doesn't get enough sleep. I think our last child nearly destroyed our marriage, and now we're finally OK again. But he absolutely does not want another child under any circumstance. Convincing him to have a third child would be…probably impossible.
When I write this out, especially the last one, I wonder why I am even thinking about it. Even my husbands issues aside, the last thing I need right now is another child. The thought of caring for an infant makes me physically ill.
But I still have that pull inside me whenever I see a baby, and I feel sad that that part of my life is over forever.