An anecdote to describe my life:
I found a new work bag that I wanted, told my husband about it, he went out and got it for me in the color that I wanted, and I changed my mind the next day. Returned that bag, bought a different shaped one (same company) in a different color, was finally settled with my decision, then decided I wanted the first one after all. The grass is always greener on the other side right?
How does it relate to my more important mother/wife/doctor life?
I know a mother, whose life I so desperately want, but so do not want at all. She is not a physician, she is a stay at home mother. Since the birth of her first-born, and she has been for many years.
She has a lot of help, a housekeeper, a couple of babysitters. Her kids go to school full time. I so don't want to ask the awful and judgmental question 'What do you do all day?' But I wonder.
She leads the life that us working, 24-hour-call-taking mothers dream of. But I saw her in her own zone recently. Angry and yelling at her kids. Frustrated with them, frustrated with her husband, frustrated with herself. And I thought, "Wow, I hope I don't become like that!"
For once the grass was greener on my side. But it didn't stay that way for long. Maybe I should spend more time with her...
The grass didn't stay greener because soon after, I went to a playground with my baby after work. It was an unusual thing for me to do after work, but I did it. There was a mother there swinging her daughter next to me and SHE struck up a conversation with ME. We talked for a while and I found her pretty likable, her daugher was my baby's age, and she was a stay at home mom, and I was even thinking that this would be a perfect opportunity to make a new friend with a baby that is my Doll's age in the area since I really don't know any moms. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to do something like a playdate (which I have never done, because I don't know anyone around here and because I don't have time) and the entire time, I was replaying Fizzy's old post about playdates in my mind. The post said that the stay at home mothers do playdates only during the week, because weekends are "family time."
To make a long story short, a friend of this woman came up to us and said, "Wow you guys are chatting away!" and this woman responded with, "Hey, she's firing out the questions left and right, it's not me!" It seems the psychiatrist in me had reared it's ugly head...
I had not felt like I was asking a lot of questions, and if I was doing that, it was because I was so excited about meeting someone new. I felt like she had asked a good number of questions herself. But perhaps the conversation was more one-sided than I imaged. I went home that day without a playdate and feeling awful about myself as a mother and as a person. Was I really shooting out questions like I am so used to doing at work? Am I really not able to put work behind me when I'm home? Was her facial expression when I said I was a psychiatrist only in my head?
The mother I spoke of earlier in this post has playdates all the time (or at least had them when the kids were younger.) She has other mother friends. She used to go to the playground during the day in the middle of the week.
I have always wanted to be an involved mother who provides a healthy and social environment for her children outside of daycare, and I just haven't been able to do that.
So... the grass is greener on the other side. It is true.