Sometimes I feel like the night time babysitter. I am an Ob/Gyn resident and leave every morning before my 16 month old wakes up (she's a great sleeper, I should be happy). I come home and feed my daughter dinner and supervise the bath, zip up the PJs, watch a cartoon and cuddle while she drinks her bottle, and then its "night night time" and I'm done being a mommy for the day. I could keep her up later but she's tired, and I don't want her being on a special schedule just because her mommy is a doctor.
I hate being a doctor these days. I don't feel important or empowered like people say I should. I know my daughter will one day look up to me as a role model and feel proud of my career, but right now I think she just needs a mommy at home. I don't envy anyone except my stay-at-home mom friends. I wish I knew what it was like to be totally frustrated after a long day of cleaning up plastic toys and missed naps. I wish I knew what it was like to be lonely from lack of adult interaction. Instead I'm stuck taking care of people I don't know all day and getting yelled at by attendings.
I know I'm a "grass is always greener" type of girl, but many days I think I could walk away from this job and never look back. But what would everyone else think? What would my father, who paid for medical school, say? I'm "almost done" with residency-1 year and 2 months left to go, but it feels like forever. I'm already counting down until the day I graduate, so I can take a few months off, and then start whatever Hospitalist job will let me work the least amount of hours. Exactly the kind of career I used to think was an unambitious waste of a medical degree.
I don't give myself a break or a pat on the back for managing everything. I make sure my house is fully stocked at all times, I sign my daughter up for all of the best classes and lessons (to go to with her nanny). She has an impeccable wardrobe and fresh cooked vegetables in the fridge at the start of most weeks. But I torture myself that I'm not home enough. I cried when my daughter had food poisoning for the first time and I was stuck at work overnight. I refuse to sleep during the day post-call -- what a waste of bonding time. Being a working mom is hard. Being a resident and mom is even harder, but I don't regret having my daughter, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I guess I'm crazy, because despite what I've been through these past 16 months, we're trying for baby #2 right now!
Sara, Ob/Gyn Resident (PGY-3)