I struggle with it every day. Every day that I get into my car, turn it on and drive up my driveway. Every day that I drive away from my baby to go take care of other’s babies.
I am fine after I arrive to my office and get into my day….after I see the faces of my patients whom I adore and after... I deliver a new life into this world.
But, still I struggle. It is constant. The feelings of guilt that I tackle on a daily basis are at times overwhelming.
I never anticipated this. I adore my career, my life, my husband.
I find myself playing “what if” scenarios as I drive to work. I glance over at a minivan and see what I imagine is a “stay at home mom” with her children in tow. I think to myself, that could be me. My husband tells me, quite frequently, that he would support whatever decision I make. That, if I wanted to leave work as an OBGYN, that we could figure things out. So, when I see that mom in the minivan, I put myself in her shoes. I imagine a day where there is no call, no missed bedtimes, no missed story time , no missed bath times and no missed kisses and hugs.
Oh, what a glorious day that would be. Nothing but memories of day after day with my sweet Joseph.
Then, my cell phone rings. Labor and delivery comes across my phone. Catapulted back to reality I answer it. A favorite patient of mine is in labor, I delivered there first and now she is getting ready to deliver her second. I smile.
I realize that no, I am where I need to be. God has put me in this place for a reason. I love my job, my patients, my staff, my partners. I love delivering life. I love being an OB.
But still I struggle. I struggle when my mind slowly lets the thought…”he knows his dadda more” creep into my mind. I struggle when I hear him call his Nanny “momma.” I struggle when I am home with him for a day and feel clueless in regards to his daily routine.
It is a balance that I have to work every minute of my life to achieve.
My heart aches when I start thinking about Christmas and Halloween and being on call. He is little now and these holidays mean little to him. But, being a momma, I sometimes dread ..the future ..of perhaps missing a costume or a present because I am at the hospital.
So yes I struggle. I think to myself will it always be this way? Unfortunately, I know it will. It will only become more difficult. But, I will make it. I will be Joseph’s momma, John’s wife and Dr. Watkins the OBGYN.