I've been following your posts since before I began Medical school! I'm currently an M3, my journey has been far from traditional. I put my medical school dreams aside after college to help out at home and take care of my mother. Fast forward many years and I began my medical school career at 33 as a daughter, wife and mother of two gorgeous little girls (5 and 2 at the time). It has been a lonnnnnng road needless to say. Just three years later, I face M4 year and residency as a single mother of two living back home with my mother. The ex's insecurities (non-medical) and later infidelity became too much to bear. Although, he is a phenomenal father - very hands on and picks up a lot of the slack.
So, to my current state! I'm two clerkships shy of completing 3rd year and have yet to find my "calling." I absolutely loved OB and I keep saying if I were single and 10 years younger, I would totally do it. I love EM, but do I really want to put the girls through not having their mom so much at nights, weekends and holidays? I felt as if FM didn't get the respect that they deserved, and going through one more day of rounds in IM would have been the end of me! Psych, so help me God, if I fell for one more drug addict's story, I was going to institutionalize myself. Peds left a sour taste in my mouth due to the company....
So now what!? I apologize if I offend anyone, I'm just trying to be honest and show you a glimpse of the million things in my brain. I need to be moving, I love variety, and I'm a hard worker! But let me be honest to myself! I'm 36 and I'll be almost 500K in debt when we graduate! What's going to pay the bills, provide my daughters with a mother, and allow me to be a great physician?
After residency is over, my oldest will be 12 and youngest 10. So much time they and I have sacrificed and for what!? For their mother to have no clue how she's going to move forward alone and completely in debt? Did I mention the divorce lawyer said I'm confined to my state for residency or risk losing the girls? As if finding a residency wasn't hard enough.
I just need advice. I have no idea what to do. I've kept it together this long and now the pressure to make a decision on a career seems to be putting me over the edge. I just didn't know the amount of sacrifice medical school would entail. I know there is always light at the end of the tunnel...but at this point I would have never done this had I known. Obviously my love for the field was more than my love for my marriage because I chose medicine over it. The question now is: how do I make all the sacrifice pay off? I need direction and I can't talk to my 26 yo single friends who make it seem so simple. For them with no responsibilities, it is! At this point I just feel like I've been a completely selfish person having decided to ever pursue this and I feel obligated to pick a field that will help me start repaying my time lost with the girls. Is that even possible?