I am a small town girl from the middle of nowhere that recently graduated from OB residency in the big city and I am currently doing an MFM fellowship. I am also now 3 weeks postpartum with my first child. Whoa…what an experience.
I thought I knew everything there was to know about pregnancy, delivery and postpartum issues. Let me just say….life from the table side of the stirrups is a whole new world.
Pregnancy was a whirlwind, with the exception of 5 weeks of nearly continuous nausea and terrible heartburn, I loved being pregnant. I, like many pregnant women, had this perfect plan for how I wanted my delivery experience to be: spontaneous labor, short second stage, no episiotomy, no operative delivery, 7 pound baby.
Well…I was long/closed/posterior and floating at 39+ weeks and I got a primary elective c-section for macrosomia. Baby boy ended up being 8’14 and he is perfect. I have no regrets. C-section recovery wasn’t so bad…the first 36 hours were rough, but otherwise pretty smooth sailing. Baby boy nurses like a champ…although I referred to him as “baby T-rex” for the first 2 weeks. Seriously…the sore nipples are no joke.
So now I am staring down the barrel of the end of my maternity leave. I have always loved my job. Everyday I felt like I did something good. Every baby that I deliver is an amazing experience. If you have to wake up at 2am…why not deliver a baby and change someone’s life forever. I thought my life would never be complete without it. Now I consider leaving my fellowship on a nearly daily basis. I can’t imagine leaving baby boy for 10-12 hours a day.
I chose to do a fellowship for the potential for a better lifestyle as my children get older and because I truly love “maternal medicine.” But these days I think maybe I should just leave fellowship and moonlight a few shifts a month. At least where I live, I could moonlight 4-5 nights a month and make the same money I make a fellow.
Will I ever love my job the way I used to again? Or will I look at the clock all day and just want to be home? Will I regret it if I quit? Can one really do it all…be a good fellow and a good Mommy? My poor husband doesn’t know what to say to make it better. I have never been a crier…but several times since having the baby he has found me rocking the baby in the nursery with tears streaming down my face. I can’t help but think that by going back to work I will miss all these sweet moments.