The hell: knowing that I would miss my baby and then really, really, really missing everything about him. Having spent the last 9 months at home with him full-time, gone are the days of sleeping in, play dates with the other stay-at-home mommies, the almost daily home-cooked meals. The first few mornings have involved me trying to ease myself out of bed without waking the baby or my husband only to have the baby pop up and begin screeching as I brush my teeth. I learned after the first day that the only way to make it out of the house on time is to ignore his cries. I have cried on my way to the hospital on more than one occasion. I have questioned why I chose this path. I have felt like a horrible mother, especially since Zo refused to drink more than 0.5oz of expressed milk for 2 days and morphed from a content, happy baby into a fussy fuss-face in the blink of an eye. Half-jokingly, I have contemplated moving to a country without extradition laws to escape the mountains of student loan debt that I have accumulated so that I can stay at home with him comfortably until he begins elementary school.
The cool colleagues: My Co-Interns are awesome. I was very nervous to meet them. I was worried about the clique-ish, fraternity culture of my medical school repeating itself, but the majority of the group seems very committed to providing excellent care and being collegial with one another rather than drinking it up at bars. Though, I know that I will have to make a point to plan some family-friendly events for everyone to participate in. And some wine and cheese socials for those of us who like things more low-key.
The arguments with the partner who I never argue with: The arguments started on the first day. Prior to orientation, my husband had never spent an entire day alone with Zo. Add screaming fussiness, the heat of Southern living, and a baby who refuses to drink expressed milk and you have a recipe for disaster. By Day 3, hubby and I were pretty angry. By then, Zo had begun eating fruits and veggies verociously throughout the day and we had begun mixing breast milk in everything. We devised banana and milk smoothies, rice and beans with splashes of milk for creaminess, I could go on but some of our concoctions made us cringe while the baby lapped it all up. Additionally, Zo has altered his schedule and now wakes up 6-8 times a night instead of his usual 3-4. So yeah, the arguments about everything from not having enough veggies to me closing the door too loudly resulted in various heated debates and even one “I don’t want to talk anymore, let’s stop talking right now!”
The mid-to-final-verdict: The first few days of Doctor-mommy being away during the day means less daytime milk, many more night time nursing awakenings, and a fussy family. There will be an end, right?!? I’ll post again once the final verdict is in.