Thursday, December 22, 2011

The 20 Stages of Pregnancy

1: Disbelief
"How did what we did that other night create a human life? Is that possible?"

2: Panic
"OMG, how am I going to manage a whole other person?"

3: Denial
"I'll bet my period will come any day now. 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage."

4: Panic 2
"Oh no! I'm spotting! What if I lose the baby??!!"

5: Fatigue
"I'm so tired all the time. How am I going to manage a whole other person?"

6: Discovery
"Maternity clothes are so cute! Even I look good in them. And I love my Bella Band."

7: Emerging love:
"Aw, she's hiccupping. That's so cute. I love her."

8: Acceptance
"Pregnancy isn't bad at all! I kind of like it! And I get to eat everything I want!"

9: Anxiety:
"Oh god, I'm gaining too much weight. I need to stop eating everything I want."

10: Panic 3:
"I don't feel the baby moving. When I last feel her move? Oh god, oh god. I'm going to press on my stomach and bother her till she moves."

11: Weariness
"For the millionth time, it's a girl, and yes, I AM tired. Should I wear a sign on my chest?"

12: Disgust:
"Look at my giant belly. Nobody will ever find me attractive again."

13: Living it up:
"Let's go out to dinner since we won't be able to do it once the baby comes. Let's see a movie too. An R-rated movie."

14: Dread:
"I won't be able to do anything once the baby comes. This is so depressing. Why did I destroy my life this way? Things were so good before."

15: Cuteness overload
"Lookit these teeny baby clothes! So cute! I can't believe I'm going to have something teeny enough to fit into these teeny clothes!"

16: Fear:
"What if I need a C-section? What if the epidural doesn't wear off? Labor is going to hurt a lot, isn't it?"

17: Weariness 2:
"This baby needs to come out of me RIGHT NOW. I literally can't stand it another minute. I'm going to have sex, eat a jalapeno, and jump up and down till I give birth."

18: Nesting:
"OK, I'm finished cleaning the entire house, assembling the crib, and painting the baby's room. Now I'm going to finish writing my novel."

19: Acceptance 2
"You know what? Whatever happens, I'm good. The baby can come any time she likes."

20: Panic 4:
"Oh no, I'm going into labor! I'm not ready! This is going to HURT!!!!"

7 comments:

  1. so true! :)

    My panic #4 was so ridiculous that I when I called the on call doc after my water broke I tried to talk my way out of it and said I think maybe my water broke, but maybe not, maybe its pee, or maybe there was just water on the floor in the bathroom or maybe... then she laughed at me and told me to please come to the hospital.

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  2. The only thing I disagree with is that maternity clothes are cute. SO NOT CUTE!!

    Currently I'm somewhere between stages 11 and 14.

    I'm going to go take a nap now.

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  3. Old MD Girl:
    for cute maternity clothes (they exist!), see:
    http://www.isabellaoliver.com

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  4. OMDG: Maybe this is a problem with my non-pregnant wardrobe, but I always thought maternity clothes were really flattering on me. Also, fake pregnant Rachel on Friends always looked fantastic in her maternity clothes (as opposed to real pregnant Phoebe).

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  5. I'd like to add a stage - belly so big and itchy the only relief was 2:00 a.m. Aveeno anti-itch baths. For me, it was Indian food, not jalapenos. For the record, it didn't work. They just came when they were ready.

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  6. My first phase was Hunger. As in STOP TALKING TO ME I HAVE TO EAT. It was actually my first clue that I was pregnant.

    I actually got some cute pregger close at Target.

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