Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Please don't mention it.

The Day Care topic day is scaring me a little. Okay scaring me a lot. I am mother to a 9 month old. Since birth- well actually earlier- even in the womb my son was the happiest little baby. When carrying him, he was not much of a kicker. Granted on my feet running around all day it was hard to be conscious of his movements. I would lie in bed at night, holding my belly, waiting to feel him move. Nervous I would often put the heart echo probe on my belly, just to see the heartbeat. Turns out he is just an amazingly chill baby. Coming from a mother who is, let’s say less than chill, it seems to be a bit of a miracle. As a newborn he loved to sleep. He rarely cries. He loves to cuddle, giggle and follow the sound of the labradoodle’s jingling collar from room to room. My friends are envious of how “easy” he is. He makes us look like excellent parents. So, yep he is perfect and now it is in my hands not to screw it up! The fields of motherhood are treacherous. For this working mom no area more frightening than the topic of the care of my most precious during the day while I am at the hospital. It comes up all of the time. Casual conversation in the elevator, with patients who see me again after pregnancy leave, from colleagues with genuine concern. So how is it to be back to work? It must be so hard to be away from your son. Do you miss him during the day? Did you hire a nanny? Does he go to day care? No matter how I answer these questions I ALWAYS feel terrible. The honest truth? Maybe I was excited to get back to work. Maybe I am so engrossed in my patients my mind rarely wanders home. I must be a horrible mother. I must be a terrible human. Evenings and weekends we celebrate the little man. I am constantly observing his progress. He seems to be doing fine. So far. But I still worry. It seems that if my baby is happy, successful and loved it is good, right? Good enough?

2 comments:

  1. You know what? I think you're a pretty cool human - balancing motherhood and medicine is a day to day act with each performance never quite the same. Your child will marvel at your abilities - and probably show you a few of his own.

    This always catches me by surprise - but my kids bask in my career - when I struggle like anesthesebioist with telling people what I do - my kids would shout it from the mountaintops. Your son will, too. MWAS

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  2. I also felt guilty when I returned to work to find that I rarely thought of my daughter during the work day. It doesn't bother me anymore. At home, I rarely think of my patients. At work, I'm completely absorbed by medicine, and at home, I"m completely focused on my family . . . as it should be.

    Also, as my babies grew and I watched them turn into happy, adaptable, creative children I could let my breath out a little on the childcare choices I'd made.

    It gets easier.

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