So, it's almost here. We've known it was coming for more than 6 months, but in less than 48 hours, my husband will be deploying for 5 months, leaving me to manage the madness of 3 kids under age 5, two part-time physician jobs, and a home (can someone remind me why we thought a half-acre of grass was a good idea?).
We recently had a few families over to dinner. They are dear friends--originally the parents of our kids' friends from preschool, now our close friends in their own right. They live 5 minutes away. As they were leaving after dinner, a few weeks before my husband was to deploy, one of the women said to my husband, "Well, if we don't see you, stay safe" and to me, "Let us know if you need anything." My heart sank, and my husband immediately saw it on my face.
Now, I'm not complaining...well, not that much anyway. Believe me, I know it could be waaaaay worse. He's only going for 5 months, not the 12 or 15 month deployments that Army families cope with all the time. It's pretty safe, as deployments go. We'll even be able to talk on the phone for about 20 minutes once a week. And, most of all, I fully expect him to come home to us. At some point, he won't be in the Navy anymore, and all of this will be behind us.
But the fact of the matter is that I will definitely need things. When people say, "Let me know if you need anything," the implication is that you probably won't, but just in case, you know how to find us (and we won't be finding you). The fact is that needing things is not the exception; rather it is the rule during deployment. I need things right now, and he hasn't even left yet. Like someone to babysit my kids for a few hours so that I can have a date with my husband where we finish sentences (or do our taxes), someone to help me cook and freeze a bunch of meals to decrease the evening madness, someone to invite us to dinner on the sad evening of d#1 of deployment, and most of all, someone to reassure me that I can do this, we can do this, and we will all get through it.
I have been giving "Let me know if you need anything" a LOT of thought since then. As far as I can tell, we only say it when it is clear that help will be needed...and a lot of it. Someone's husband dies: Let me know if you need anything. Someone's baby is born prematurely and is in the NICU: Let me know if you need anything. Someone loses his job: Let me know if you need anything. And, most relevant to us, when we are the bearer of catastrophic medical news: Let me know if you need anything.
If these words make it to the antechamber before your lips, STOP THEM RIGHT THERE! This is probably a situation where the person in front of you needs not just anything, but everything. I have decided to banish the phrase from my vocabulary and instead make a concrete offer. She can say no or barter for something different, but at least she knows I expect she will need help--it's not a sign of weakness and not an exception. If she wants to refuse it, she is free, but I won't make it easy. From here on out, I'll be saying "I'd like to bring dinner tomorrow night for you and the kids. Is 5 o'clock okay?"