Monday, July 28, 2008

Reverse penis envy

“Mommy WHY???Why don’t you have a penis?”

Because I’m a girl.

“Don’t you want one?"


“Maybe you could buy one?"


“If you eat real healthy could you grow one?"


“Maybe you can pray for one”


This was a recent conversation I had with my 4 year old son. Luckily it did not occur in the middle of Target. Despite being potty trained for over a year, and being trained mainly by dad he only recently began peeing standing up. He was extremely skeptical about peeing standing up… but once he figured it out, of course it’s the best thing since chocolate milk. He recently became concerned about why I don’t pee standing up. It truly bothers him. I explained that girls don’t have a penis so we have to sit down. At some point later in life I will explain girl anatomy, but for now I think this should suffice, plus I want to avoid the whole Kindergarten Cop quote as long as possible (MY MOM ‘s a gynecologist and she says boy’s have a penis and girls have a ….) However, he remains quite the penis evangelist. He just thinks I’m missing out on the world since I don’t have a penis.

I have to admit potty training has to be one of the hardest things we’ve done in parenting. He was just not interested. Despite his genius, it bothered him, not at all, to poop on himself. However, I became obsessed with it. After one particularly awful weekend of “training” I had a patient come in saying “Oh, one day my son/daughter just ‘decided ‘on their own at the age of 2 to be potty trained and never had one accident after that”

I actually shot her. I’m writing this from jail.

I’m also prone to exaggeration.


  1. My grandson is the same. Pee in the potty, fine. But poop in the potty he just can't get. He's almost 3 and my daughter is beginning to get a little desparate. She'd definitely help pay your bail.

  2. my girl-- a girl! who is supposed to like the potty!-- used it for a week when she was two, then refused until Feb 15, 2006, when she was just six weeks shy of 3 1/2 years old. By then she had been pooping on the potty if she was home, for perhaps 3 months. And dry at night for at least that long. But suggest that she pee in the potty in the morning and you would be fixed with the fiercest of glares and hear "NO POTTY" at the top of her considerable lungs. (BTW: same girl from about 3.5-4.5 insisted the she had a Pretend Penis whenever she peed.)

    I tell my patients that there is a cosmic day on which your child will use the potty. You can wait for it, or you can spend a few months "potty training" and work up to it. Either way, same day your kid will be using the potty appropriately, so it's your choice.

    don't get me started on the friends' kid who was being "trained" by which they meant he wasn't wearing diapers and they tried to remember to get him to the potty often enough. But got distracted. While he stood in an expensive wool carpet in my living room. One that is over a hardwood floor, that is to the day still stained from the enormous quantity of pee that came leaking from him, since he had no effing idea of what he was doing. No, don't get me started on that one.

    I'll chip in for bail, too. Gotta help another desperate mom.

  3. Heh, remember that Detachable Penis song from the 90s?

    I was desperately looking forward to potty training for the first year of my daughter's life. Then a friend of mine told me that he is constantly taking his 3 year old son to the bathroom and long trips are impossible. So maybe diapers aren't so bad.

  4. Son, turning 4 next week, is fascinated with his private part. He calls it his "penny." He used to call it his "toy" but we discouraged that (while privately laughing).

    Just today, I repeated, and repeated, and repeated: "Every boy likes to touch his penis, but you should do that in the bathroom or bedroom and never in front of other people."

    He hasn't asked about my private part yet, but quite frankly I do want one. It looks like fun.

  5. This penis fascination doesn't end - all the males in my household hold their penises. Watch TV - hold penis, walk to refrigerator - hold penis, surf the net - hold penis. I don't understand the fascination with holding your penis but I don't have a female counterpart - maybe I'll try holding my boobs.

  6. Bwah ha ha ha! "I actually shot her." Too funny. And how many times can you throw in the word penis in a post? You're going to get all kinds of hits on Google!

    In my opinion, guys value their parts way too much. What's the big deal anyway? Who cares?

  7. The guys do. Deperately.

  8. Despite being a pediatrician, I totally bribed my son to poop in the potty. It was MnMs to pee, and a "poop toy" if he could poop 5 times in the potty. Despite all the warning against bribery, it worked. However, now that he's learned how to pee standing up, he wants to do it everywhere: on the side of road, highway, friend's house, our house, our bushes, wall at daycare (they love me for that one b/c apparently some of the other little boys thought it was cool too)...


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